As I sit here and reflect about my birthing experience and motherhood , I can’t help but think about the numerous things NOBODY mentions to you. Sure, people give their unsolicited advice through your pregnancy (and beyond) and tell you all about their experience… but there is SO MUCH that isn’t discussed. I don’t know if people “forget” some things, or if these are just things as mothers were “supposed” to keep locked away and not talk about. Either way, I’m here to tell you about them! Many of these are part of the ever so popular “fourth trimester” everyone tells you about, however nobody specifically tells you what that is… just another thing you need to research. Now I am sureee that I am also missing things, but these 10 topics are some that I feel are important, and slightly disheartening that nobody discusses.
In no particular order:
- Breast Feeding does not just “come natural” to everybody.
First and foremost, on this topic… I want to talk about how since giving birth, one of my most hated questions has been: “are you nursing?” Deep down I truly want to respond with, “what difference does that make?” There is way too much pressure from society on mother’s regarding breastfeeding. Sure, I can lay out pros and cons for you, but that’s not what I’m here to do. I am a firm believer of ‘fed is best’, and however you choose to feed your baby, is the perfect way to feed YOUR baby. You’re going to make lots of decisions in parenthood and whatever decisions you make will be what’s best for your babe. There is such a horrible stigma around formula and it’s just sad. I myself had to supplement in the beginning, and I never felt like more of a failure. And why?? Because society told me I should be nursing?? I had to do what was best for my daughter, and I did… I should not have felt the way I did about my decision. So, if you must ask a mother about how she’s feeding her child, maybe try this “is the baby eating well?” It is none of your business how the baby is getting fed, that’s for the parents to decide! Now, back to what I really wanted to talk about. We hear so much about breastfeeding and how important it is for our babe, but when it comes down to it, nobody talks about just how HARD it truly is. Now if you’re like me and you like to be prepared and research, you may have met with a lactation consultant. That was very helpful! However, it was helpful in the sense of schematics: how to hold baby, what to look for, how much poop baby should have, etc… it did not prepare me for my actual experience. People make you think that breastfeeding is some natural occurrence… I am here to tell you that definitely may NOT be the case! Sure, it may come “naturally” to some, but let’s just say they’re the lucky ones. After talking to a handful of my new mom friends, I know I am not alone when I say breastfeeding is HARD! I was NOT prepared for what I went through. When my daughter came out, she did the “crawl” to my nipple, latched great, and started suckling shortly after delivery… this was the easiest part! From there it far from went that smoothly. Her latch was wrong, my nipples HURT, I wanted to cry every time she needed to eat- which fun fact is ALL THE TIME! And that was just while I was in the hospital, with access to help. Then we came home and that was a whole different ball game! Those first 2 weeks were the hardest weeks of my life! I wanted to quit so many times. Not to mention my milk came in late (reason for needing to supplement)- who knew that was a thing?! I honestly thought it would just come in when baby needed it, that is not the case. I then had to try different techniques, use shields, and pump just to up my supply. I wholeheartedly understand why some moms cannot or choose not to breastfeed, and I have never respected it more. Granted there are many reasons mothers decide not to nurse, from my personal experience I respect any mother’s decision.
Oh so glamorous 
First time leaving the house, no idea what I was doing!
2. While on the topic… I thought nursing was hard, but nobody warned me about pumping!
Pumping has got to be one of the most confusing parts of my journey thus far. The amount of varying information is insane. I quite literally was told something different from my Lactation Consultant, the Lactation Consultant at the hospital, my pediatrician, and not to mention just about every book/blog/forum that I read. At this point, I just do what I think works for me. There’s so much stress/pressure on when you should start to pump, how you should pump, how often you should pump, what pump to use, is your flange the right size… it literally could drive a person insane! And in the beginning (because of my late milk), I quite literally stressed about it CONSTANTLY. Not to mention, pumping is not fun or glamorous. As my husband likes to refer to me as the “girls with gun boobs from Austin Powers” whenever I am pumping (yes, he makes noises as well). I still don’t know if I’m doing it “right”, but like I said, I’m doing what’s working for me at this point. Like everything else in this journey, everyone is different… so what works for me may be completely wrong for you. Once again, trial and error seem to be the answer, and of course research, research, research
Trying to master the art of “Multitasking” 
3. Another random topic that nobody warned me about or even mentioned… the lack of photos you are in. Especially in the early stages!
Let’s be real, those first few weeks home are HARD! But, through it all, I still made a point to take as many pictures as possible. Piece of advice I received that I greatly appreciate, they seriously grow way too fast. I quickly noticed that 90% of the photos were of just my baby or my baby and my husband. There were very few of me and my baby. This was due to a number of reasons, mainly because I was the one taking the pictures, but also because anytime something “cute” happened that I wanted a picture of I was topless. As a nursing mama, in those first few weeks it was extremely rare to find me with a shirt on. Even now I have to specifically ask for my picture to be taken, but I definitely make it more of a point… and I of course take lots of selfies.
Yup, that’s poop… 
Ignore my booby pad -_-
4. Another fun topic…Diapers! And no, I don’t mean for your baby.
This one is for my vaginal birth moms out there. Sure, you read about the funny underwear you have to wear after giving birth… but let’s call it what it is, a damn diaper! I have never hated something so much! At first, I was like “eh it’s not that bad”, but then by day 3 I was OVER it! I felt so unsanitary no matter what I did. I could smell myself (whether in my head or not, who knows… but still)! The need for showers was constant, yet with a newborn who has time for showers?! After the diapers came the pads, and don’t forget the fact that you have to use a peri bottle every time you use the bathroom. I eventually found my “favorites” and learned to deal, but it was far from a good time. And knowing some women have to deal with that for 6+ weeks, my heart goes out. Hang in there mama, I promise it is all worth it!
5. All the uterus pushing!
I learned later on in my pregnancy about having to “birth” the placenta after you literally just birthed a baby, so I was relatively prepared for that. What I was not prepared for? The amount of pushing on my uterus after! I can’t lie, this was almost worse for me than the actual birth of my baby. From the moment the baby is out, the nurses start pressing down (and not exactly gently) on your uterus. They continue to do this throughout your stay at the hospital, so unlike me, be prepared! They do it for a number of reasons, but mainly to help the uterus contract back to “normal”, and to watch for bleeding. It still completely sucks! Just when you think you have a minute to rest, in walks a nurse to, you guessed it, push on your uterus! Try to just keep yourself distracted and remember to breathe 😊
6. If you have read my previous post, you know I’ve talked about this… but what the heck do contractions feel like?!
Everyone tells you when to head to the hospital and to make sure you’re tracking your contraction… but nobody tells you what a contraction feels like! I quite literally second guessed my contractions ALL DAY! Do I have gas? Nah the baby just moved weird. Is that just a normal “pain”? I had no idea! Not to mention I was also paranoid that I would get to the hospital and be sent home. It took me almost 10 hours (and a very aware husband) to realize I indeed was having contractions. So, with that I will say this… MY contractions literally felt like a mix of gas pains and then slowly converted into strong period cramps. But I will also say, like everything else, I am sureee everyone has different experiences. But it’s definitely something that should be discussed more, we shouldn’t just go on thinking everything is or is not a contraction. Trust your gut. If something doesn’t feel “right” or “normal”, it probably isn’t.
7. Another topic that does not get enough attention… that “in love” feeling and when you “should” have it.
All through pregnancy people always tell you how once you give birth you will have an instant connection with your baby. Or they tell you about how in love they already are before the baby even arrives. I am here to tell you, that may not be the case for you… and NO it does not make you a bad mother! Depending on how you gave birth, there is A LOT going on… and then all of a sudden, they place a baby on your chest. Yes, many people do have an instant “I’m so in love” feeling, but many mothers have so many emotions going on (yay hormones), and some may just be plain old exhausted, that that “feeling” is not there. Yes, when they placed my baby on my chest my whole life changed… but that doesn’t mean it has to for everyone. And it also doesn’t mean I was instantly “in love”. I was one of the exhausted ones, I had quite literally been up almost 48hrs (thank you overnight contractions). To me, seeing my husband have his instant bond with our baby was a stronger feeling than my own bond with my baby. I was in such awe seeing him become a father, I pushed my own feelings to the side. It took a few hours for me to form my own bond with our daughter, and that’s fine. Your baby is just like anyone else. You need to get to know them, understand them, build that loving relationship- and that’s OK! It also may not happen for a few days, and that is perfectly fine. But I do also want to say if you are feeling any kind of resentment, sadness, or depression, you may want to reach out and talk to someone. Post-Partum Depression is real and also not discussed anywhere near enough!
Pure exhaustion 
8. How much you MISS your baby!
I’ve “heard” people talk about it, but never thought it could be real. How can you miss something that you are with sooo much? But I will say it… I genuinely miss my baby, and I’m not talking about when I leave the house for a few hours (although I of COURSE miss her then). I am talking about when she is asleep! In the beginning, when sleep was rough, I would want nothing but for her to sleep… but then once she was, I wanted nothing but for her to wake up. I would just stare at the monitor waiting for her to wake. Let’s not even mention when we moved her to her own room. We moved her a little early, but to be honest, it was for the best for ALL of us. She is a LOUD sleeper, and she definitely needed more room than her small bassinet. She took to the move great, me… not so much. I missed the grunts and cries, I missed the sound of her little nails scratching the bassinet, I missed her! 6 months later and although it has gotten better, I still miss her whenever she is not with me. When I’m at work, when she is asleep, when someone else is holding her… its honestly crazy.
9. Another big topic… SEX!
Yea, you hear the ever popular “you have to wait 6 weeks until you are clear”, which lets be real is a joke in itself (they barely even check you, but that is a whole different topic)… but nobody tells you about after the 6 weeks. First of all, who has the energy?!? Aside from that, TMI…nobody tells you how much it HURTS! The first time my husband and I attempted (way past the 6 weeks by the way), I honestly could cry. It quite literally felt like sandpaper being shoved inside me. It was so bad, not to mention I was super self-conscious because I literally birthed a baby! After my husband and I both did some research, turns out that nursing basically dries you up. So, after lots of trial and error, we are making it work. However, I will not lie… it is seldom and yes, it still hurts! Oh, and if you didn’t already know… YOU CAN GET PREGNANT EVEN IF YOU DON’T HAVE YOUR PERIOD. Sorry, the amount of people that don’t know this is shocking. I want to make sure we prevent any “accidents” 🙂
10. Finally, one of the hardest parts of motherhood… the constant feeling of worry and that you are doing something wrong.
Things change quite literally every day. What might be recommended today, may be shunned upon tomorrow. Not to mention all the judgmental people out there! No matter what you’re doing, what product you use, what toy you buy, someone will always think it is “wrong”. I have gotten a lot better now, but in the beginning, I literally worried every day that I was doing something wrong. Am I giving her enough tummy time? Should I be giving her a pacifier? Is this toy good for development? It goes on and on. Overall, I am learning that you need to do what works best for YOU and YOUR baby. Stop comparing yourself to others. What might work or be great for someone else, may be completely horrible for you. Take advice/recommendations with a grain of salt. For us, lots of trial and error and our own research has worked. Every baby is different, they like different things, they develop differently, they grow differently. No two babies are the same, even siblings. I was constantly reading up on what my baby “should” be doing by now or how big she “should” be… it drove my anxiety through the roof. I had to stop, for my sake and hers. My baby, so far, has been developing rather quickly (rolled both way before 4 months, and popped 2 teeth before 5 months), but is on the tiny side (10-15 percentile in height and weight) … and that is fine! From one doctor saying she was “too small”, to another saying she was “perfect”, I was driving myself crazy. Constantly worried if she was eating enough, were her bowels normal, is this spit up a bigger issue. She’s happy and healthy and that is ALL that matters! Same for all babies. As long as they are healthy, they will meet their milestones at THEIR pace. Try not to worry (I know easier said than done) and just enjoy this adventure. Before we know it our babies will be grown, and I sure don’t want to look back and think I spent the entire time being worried.
There is a lot more I wish I would have known about giving birth as well. Like the lack of “me” time or even the energy for it, the fact that “napping when the baby naps” is a complete joke, and that not having any help (it is just me and my husband) is HARD. But those top 10 items really would have been helpful and good to know. I hope I reach even one new mom or soon to be mom in hopes that she will know she is not alone. What you are feeling is normal, and yes… it is ok. You will get through this! Ask for help, do your own research, take that break if you need to, and most importantly- trust your gut! Nobody knows your baby or your body like you do, not even your doctor, so always go with your instincts.
Stay strong mamas!
XO
